Chris Welch uses Designer Pro 365 to illustrate all 3rd level concepts

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Sunday, 6 January 2013

Make Loads of Cash NOW from the Different Gospel

Hi, my name is Apostle Seymour Butt.
May I introduce myself.I have made loads of money through the Kingdom of God, and now for only $99 (SPOOF)I am revealing all the techniques you need to build the church as fast and as profitably as I have in the last 35 years.
 You won't have heard of me, but I am the one all the new church apostolic networks refer to. You as a mere member of a local  congregation have to crane your neck just to see beyond your own pastor to the apostle who governs all your network of churches . Well I am the man who is behind all the network apostles, and I make sure some money from each congregation member on the ground filters right through to the top. I have made so much money, that now I want to share the secrets of how you can build your own profitable franchise, and enjoy an unenviable lifestyle.

  •  Foundation CDs/DVDs nos 1-2
 The introductory series of CDs/DVDs reveals the three interlocking key components of the entire operation that MUST BE FOLLOWED EXACTLY
  1.  Pyramids
  2. The Tithe
  3. A simple GRACE message of Romans 8:1 ie NO CONDEMNATION
  • CD/DVD nos 3-5 PYRAMIDS
 A great many people lose track right here by not defining structure before anything else. In these CDs we discuss the two interlocking pyramids that must be in place if you are ever going to build works that stand up to financial scrutiny. No accountant is ever concerned about spiritual health. No, he wants to know if the franchise you are building is going to  be able to supply the rocket fuel to drive you way beyond the first three years. Each church MUST be in the shape of a pyramid with the leader at the head, and each church itself must interlock with the greater pyramid which contains you as the head of the apostolic network. 

  • CD/DVD nos 6-9  TITHING UNDER THE NEW COVENANT 
This is the second key that underpins your entire operation. In our CD series you will benefit from our extensive Bible knowledge, and learn how to dissect the Bible properly so that your gospel must never work in practice. To do this you have to follow our exact instructions.
In the New Testament or New Covenant there is No tithe, nor levitical priesthood, so you must invent one yourself: YOU. And further down the road employ others to help, but always underneath you in the pyramid.
A lot of people think if you have 10 tithing members that will make one complete salary. But what about widows,students,those unable to work? No, don't even think of registering your church until you have 20 members all 18 or over, then by this time you will have some money for hiring a hall as well.
If any member of your congregation ever points out that commanding a tithe is a distortion of the gospel of grace, point out that Abraham tithed before the Law, and make them feel awful with Malachi :"Bring the full tithes into the storehouse....Don't rob God." Ofcourse that means YOU.
Already, just these two principles of tithing and pyramid operations virtually guarantee you to look the part of one who is blessed beyond measure. Your presentation is vital, with smart clothes and cars, and well dressed staff. Nobody will ever link the mathematics of how the money is pouring into you as if through a funnel, and your message which is about giving and being blessed.

  • CD/DVD nos 10-15 A restricted Gospel
As stated above you must restrict your gospel message to the unlimited grace of God to fully cover all sins past,present and future. Although you may use other segments of New Testament text, primarily your message is Romans Chapters 3 to 5 with additional verses in the beginning of chapter 8.While making people happy, it is important the gospel you preach should never work properly so people are always returning for more.
Evangelical  
You are advised not to go down the evangelical route. It is slower. More ponderous. Less exciting and less attractive to young people. if you do choose this route, remember you are preaching unlimited forgiveness of sins plus effort to ensure your betterment.Charismatic
If you choose this route we should warn you there are dangers. For Elymas the magician was struck blind for wanting the gift of the Holy Spirit to exploit financially.
However, with any luck people will come into your church already filled with the Spirit. This is ideal. The excitement, and laughter, and bubbly nature of 20-35 year olds will rocket your church forward numerically, and remember they are all going to be tithers, because you make it a "New Covenant" Rule of membership.
 Two types of Christian
  1. the light and bubbly airhead You want these. They understand that God loves and endlessly forgives them and they are not bothered about much else.
  2. the truffle hunting truther You need either to squeeze these people out or divert their gaze to the specific restricted gospel you are preaching.
  • CD/DVD nos 16-19 Truffle Hunters
The serious minded truther is so dangerous to your operation we spend several messages defining ways of squeezing them out and paralysing them.
If not, you MUST restrict their gospel to UNLIMITED FORGIVENESS followed by self-effort in attempts at self-betterment.
Truthers are DANGEROUS to your entire operation. The gospel you preach must be different from the New Testament or else it will be effective and actually work. Your church pyramids, followed by your network of these churches stand or fall on your ability to keep thousands of people paralysed in a "Different Gospel" as St Paul has mentioned(see below). For only the Different Gospel does not ever work, and so people never really grow, which is what you want. In this suspended form you can keep thousands and thousands in church plants and networks of church plants all tithing upwards to you as overall pyramid head.
  • CD/DVD 20 For Eye Candy Only
If you are a good looking male or female there are 2 significant benefits
  1. Firstly, goodlooking people plus the Romans 3 to 5 no condemnation message,plus the ability to expect a huge tithing pyramid congregation is something Seymour Butt's Sattellite TV networks are extremely interested in. We run all the main Christian TV stations from behind the scenes and are always on the lookout for lucrative signings.
  2. Eye Candy are a magnet draw for the opposite sex. The perceived power and wealth will draw your pick of the most beautiful spouses to your sides, who will be used alongside you to demonstrate what a great lifestyle this is.

 For if someone comes to you and preaches a Jesus other than the Jesus we preached, or if you receive a different spirit from the one you received, or a different gospel from the one you accepted, you put up with it easily enough. 2 Corinthians 11:4

but even if we or a messenger out of heaven may proclaim good news to you different from what we did proclaim to you -- anathema let him be! Galations 1:8



15 Certain, indeed, even through envy and contention, and certain also through good-will, do preach the Christ;

16 the one, indeed, of rivalry the Christ do proclaim, not purely, supposing to add affliction to my bonds,

17 and the other out of love, having known that for defence of the good news I am set:

18 what then? in every way, whether in pretence or in truth, Christ is proclaimed -- and in this I rejoice, yea, and shall rejoice. Philippians 1- Youngs Literal

The kudos you obtain as a network apostle of thousands is so incredible your itinerary will be filled with many many paid conference engagements.
Dangers

Truthers which Norman Grubb says are like  those French pigs unearthing truffles must never come anywhere near discovering Romans Chapter 6 to 7. These must always be referred to as chapters for non Christians.
In 1 John 2 :12 and the following verses,John describes three levels of growth and the third level of growth threatens to undermine your entire organisation. If anyone gets a smidgen of an idea that they can ever get to the father stage of development, then it will leak through your entire organisation that you are not needed. And then they will all begin to question why they are tithing to you as ultimate head of the pyramid. So at all costs, you must keep your gospel message restricted to one that never actually works in practice, never allowing any truther to voice any of his discoveries before you have squeezed him or her out through discouragement.
Conclusion
We summarise all the main tricks whereby you can keep thousands suspended in your networks in a relatively happy but ineffectual way for decades, thus ensuring you literally pocket thousands and thousands of pounds over your entire lifetime, involving very little real work, and always in the knowledge that those among the Christian world everywhere will laud and fete your name. Which is what you want! I, Seymour Butt wish you all the best in raking in untold thousands in cash over a very happy life!


OTHER SPOOFS BY CHRIS WELCH:

4 comments:

The conductor said...

Oh boy. Tragically on point.

Chris Welch - 07000INTUNE said...

Thanks.
Conductor of what?
Orchestra.
Bus.
Electricity?

Anonymous said...

Money makes THE WORLD go round.. only love slows it down long enough to embrace LIFE...

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